PISS-ED OFF

THE WORST THING WHICH COULD PISS ANYONE OFF IS BAD SANITATION.
EG: A TOILET
HOW MANY OF US HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN A CLEAN TOILET ATLEAST ONCE IN OUR LIFE (EXCEPT AT 5 STAR HOTELS) WHY DO PEOPLE, SPECIALLY EDUCATED PEOPLE LACK TOILET MANNERS

A FEW INSTANCES WHICH I HAVE SEEN ARE AS FOLLOWS

PEE DROPS ON THE SEAT
IT GROSSES ME OUT COMPLETELY. THERE IS A TISSUE PAPER ROLL; USE IT, WIPE IT FROM THE SEAT, ITS UR OWN PEE. NO TISSUE PAPER. NO PROBLEM, LIFT THE SEAT AND LET IT TRICKLE DOWN/ROLL INTO THE COMMODE

TOILET PAPER ON THE FLOOR
EVEN THOUGH THE DUSTBIN IS RIGHT INSIDE AND EMPTY, A FEW PEOPLE CANNOT TAKE THAT EXTRA EFFORT. THEY THROW IT ANYWHERE ELSE EXCEPT THE BIN

TOILET PAPER, GUM AND CIGARETTE BUDS IN THE COMMODE
THERE ARE NOTES IN THE TOILET MENTIONING “PLEASE DO NOT DISPOSE ANYTHING IN THE COMMODE” BUT NO, THEY WILL BREAK THE RULES, WILL DISPOSE TOILET PAPER ROLLS AND CIGARATTE BUDS INSIDE AND CHOAK UP THE LOO AND CAUSE FLUSHING PROBLEMS.

NOT FLUSHING
NOONE WOULD LOVE TO SEE THE COLOUR OF UR POOP AND UR URINE. SO PLEASE, PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE AND FLUSH IT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO WILL BE USING THE LOO AFTER YOU. I PROMISE HITTING THE FLUSH BUTTON WON’T TAKE UP MORE THAN 5 SECONDS OF UR PRECIOUS TIME

LEAVING THE FLOOR WET
A FEW PEOPLE USE THE LOO MORE LIKE A BATHROOM; THEY WASH THEIR HANDS AND FEET WITH THE HAND PUMP. (I CAN UNDERSTAND ONCE IN A WHILE DURING THE RAINY SEASON AND IF UR FEET WERE DIRTY OR MUCKY) BUT OTHERWISE DONT MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR THE CLEANER. THEY ARE ALSO HUMAN BEINGS LIKE US.

NO WATER IN THE TANK
SO MANY TIMES AT PUBLIC URINAL’S (IN INDIA) AND ESPECIALLY AT THE HIGHWAYS THERE ARE TOILETS WITH NO WATER IN THE TANK. IT’S SO HORRIBLE TO STAND THERE COZ OF THIS ISSUE. THERE IS NO WATER IN THE TANK. BUDDY THIS IS THE NATIONAL HIGHWAY AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE PER DAY STOP HERE TO EMPTY “THEIR TANK” AND WHAT’S THE POINT LEAVING NO WATER IN URS. WHOM DO WE BLAME? THE HOUSE KEEPING STAFF FOR NOT INFORMING THE TANKER’S OR THE TANKER’S FOR NOT COMING ON TIME. VERY BADLY COORIDNATED CASE

NO SOAP OR WATER AT THE WASH BASIN
ANOTHER SICK THING YOU HAVE A TOILET AND THEN HOW CAN U HAVE A WASH BASIN WITHOUT SOAP OR WATER (OR BOTH)

TYPICAL BOLLYWOOD STORY

BOLLYWOOD FILMS

The (LEAD HERO) brother/desi dude is in a village, can hardly read or write, but his PADHA LIKHA BHAI is an IT Head or Managing Director or a Partner in some firm abroad, who after 20 years visits his GAO in India (village) for a few days and makes sure that when he returns, he takes his brother abroad (PARDES)


PASSPORT Formalities
Mind it, the desi dude has no passport, and getting a passport in TATKAL also would take a minimum of 2 weeks but anything is possible if it’s a Bollywood film. (Like Chat Mangi Phat Bhyah)


VISA Formatlities?
The aam janta, stands in long queues during and for visa interviews with required documents, they need to get the required documents but all this can be avoided if you are the Hero. Your VISA is directly stamped you see. No sweat. Absolutely no worries and No sweat.


Language Issue?
Irrespective of where you land (STATES or EURPOE) everyone knows Hindi. Wow, then in this case, shouldn’t Hindi be the UNIVERSAL spoken language.


Other Perks
The desi dude is jobless and on his way for interviews he bumps into the heroin.
His desi charm wins the heart of an Indian girl based in that country free of cost. Even though he is poor,less educated, almost jobless, she doesn’t mind it you see. He goes hopping and dancing various places with that girl.
So cost of site seeing is also taken care of. Sone pe Suhaaga.

Marriage
Many times it does happen that the Heroin's marriage is fixed/prefixed with a GORA.
and the desi dude is running towards the church or mandir or the venue.
And when the hero reaches the destination. Its over, its all over, in the sense there is no crowd.
The desi guy is kneeling down, almost crying where a very heavy voice comes from the background. "Beta, Tum jiske liye ro rahe ho, woh tumhara intezaar kar rahi hai" Desi chora wakes up with josh and joy, wipes off the glycerine and thanks the Priest and runs to a particular destination.
The destination where there is pin drop silence. Oh am sorry, there is no silence. Its windy and you can hear the sound of the whistling or hounding wind and ofcourse a couple of thousand of dried dead leaves fallen on the ground are swirling in the air, ready to stick to the hero's face and there comes the Heroin running, watch out for her hair and make up is intact and the RED duppatta automatically flies into the air and covers the hero's face. Smoochy Woochy happens in the background accompanied by some tears and I love you and you love me and the regular bullshit "Tum nahi aate toh" etc etc and suddenly from no where land up their respective families, they clap and say "Maaf Kar dena". The Hero Heroin touch the feet of their parents. and everybody faakk's off (including you from the theatre/multiplex)happily ever after. LOL

FINNISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
SHOW OVER, WASTE OF 200 BUCKS IN THE LOCAL THEATRE, 400 BUCKS IN THE MULTIPLEX

BLACKBERRYITTIS

A Friend of mine discovered a new disease called Blackberryittis
This is caused due to excessive usage/addiction to the Blackberry phone
This has no cure until a new smart phone will be launched in the market :D

Why do people buy a blackberry ?
Is it coz of the the so called fashion, trend, friend's forcing you to get one
OR
Coz after paying the network/service provider (as per the plan) u can go on chatting and chatting (unlike the other phones where u pay per kb/mb and accordingly control ur chat activity)
OR
You want to save the cost of forwarding text messages by using the Broadcast feature
OR
Knowing the short battery life it has, you can avoid your girlfriend's boyfriend's calls saying sorry honey, my battery has konked off

Anyways so coming back to the Illnesses the BB addicts suffer


You bring ur BB to the Loo with you

Start ur facebook, twitter while ur caught in the traffic

Complain of Back aches, neck pains and problems with posture

You leave your nails as short as possible so u can glide across your keypad

You sleep with your BB beside u

Completely obsessed with BBM

And once you get the BB you Promote it and force your friend's to get one too

You become quite ungrateful & make fun of other cell phone brands, especially nokia, motorolla which were your first mobile phones

When something happens to your BB you get into a terrible mood and update that as your Facebook/twitter/gmail/yahoo status message (basically you let the whole world know about it)

Stress when your BB has no EDGE

If u experience 2 or more of the symptoms above u may be suffering from blackberryittis


I shouldnt say it but its like AIDS (SORRY LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL)

MY CHEMISTRY WITH THE TAXI WALLA'S

ALLRIGHT ALLRIGHT, DONT GET EXCITED PPL
WE ARE NOT MADE FOR EACH OTHER, YES CAB WALLS AND I HATE EACH OTHER
EITHER THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY FACE OR SOMETHING WITH THE AREA I LIVE IN
THAT MOST OF THE CABBIES DISAGREE TO DRIVE ME DOWN HOME

WELL I AM MORE OF A BANDRA PERSON,
MAHIM BANDRA ARE APPROXIMATELY 3 KMS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER
SO ON HOLIDAYS OR FREE TIME I MAY EITHER BE SHOPPING AT BANDRA OR HAVING DINNER OR HANGING OUT WITH A FRIEND ETC....AND FINALLY ONE DOES NEED TO GET HOME, RIGHT ?
THATS THE TIME, I HAVE TO BEGIN BEGGING, YES B FOR B-E-G-G-I-N-G

CONVERSATION IS USUALLY LIKE ONE/ALL OF THESE CASES BELOW

ME: BHAIIYA, MAHIM CHALOGE PLS?
CABBIE: NAHI (& SOMETIMES EVEN PLAINLY SHAKING THEIR HEAD DOING THE NO NO OR SOMETIMES EVEN SHAKING PALMS SIDEWAYS)


OR


ME: (JUST PEEPING IN AND BEFORE I CAN ASK)
CABBIE: KAHA CHALOGE
ME: MAHIM, CHALOGE AAP
CABBIE: NAI MADAM JAMTA NAHI HAI
ME: TOH POOCHTE KYU HO ?
CABBIE: LONG PAUSE, PERMANENT SILENCE...LOOKING ELSEWHERE !!


OR


ME: BHAIYAA- MAHIM
CABBIEE: (WITH SOME PAAN OZZING OUT FROM HIS MOUTH) KHALI NAI HAI
ME:KHALI NAI HAI !!!!, KOI TOH ANDAR NAI
CABBIEE: HA WAITING PE HAI
SO I LOOK AT THE METER AND ITS OFF...YEAH THERE I MEET ANOTHER LIAR


OR



ME: BHAIYYA....MAHIM
CABBIEE: GAS NAHI HAI/PETROL NAHI HAI
SO IS THIS FELLOW GONNA SIT HERE ALL HIS LIFE, WHERE INFACT A PETROL PUMP IS JUST A SIGNAL AWAY OR EVEN ATTIMES JUST ACROSS THE ROAD.....IS THE PETROL PUMP GONNA COME TO THE CAB AND OFFER SERVICES LIKE FILLING PETROL/GAS WHEREVER THE CAB IS STATOINED WOW......



OR



ME: BHAIYYA MAHIM
CABIIEE: NO REPLY....NO SIGN LANGUAGE TOO,
ME THINKING: OOOOOOOO POOR FELLOW MUST BE DEAF N DUMB



OR



ME: BHAIYYA.....MAHIM
CABBIE: NAI

SO I WAS WITH A FRIEND AND WHISPERED INTO HER EARS, (BLOODY F***ER WANTS TO DRIVE TO USA IT SEEMS)

CABBIE: MADAM GAALI MAT DO
NOW LOOK AT HIM, HE IS TELLING ME NOT TO ABUSE HIM, NOW DOES HE EXPECT ME TO GIVE HIM A KISS AND SAY, ITS OK HONEY

AT TIMES FROM LINKING ROAD (STARTING NATIONAL COLLEGE) THERE IS A LONG QUEUE OF CABS AND BHAIYYA'S HEATING THEIR BONNET......SO I APPROACH AND ASK HIM IF HE IS WILLING TO DRIVE ME DOWN TO MAHIM......SO NOW THEY BEGIN PLAYING CHINESE WHISPER'S- THEY START WHISPERING INTO EACH OTHER'S EARS.......AND I WAIT AND WAIT AND AT TIMES I END UP ASKING 5 CABS IN A ROW AT ONE TIME INSTEAD OF ASKING EACH ONE OF THEM 5 TIMES... (AS I SAID THEY ARE ALL PARKED BUMPER TO BUMPER TYPES) AND AT TIMES I END UP REACHING BANDRA TALAO AND STUFF LIKE THAT



OR

A FEW OF THEM ARE QUITE NICE, THEY DRIVE ME DOWN STRAIGHT HOME
UMMM, GOOD BOYS, I MUST SAY BUT POOR FELLOWS, DONT HAVE CHANGE, THEY ASK FOR EXACT CHANGE, EG: IF ITS 28 BUCKS, AND I PAY 30, HE SAYS, MADAM CHUTTA NAHI HAI KYA

AND IF I AM IN A GOOD MOOD, I SAY ITS OK AND ASK HIM TO KEEP THE CHANGE
(70% OF THE TIME I DO IT, IF HE APPEARS/BEHAVES HONEST)
BUT BUT BUT IF I REALISE HE IS TRYING TO FOOL ME....... I ASK HIM A SIMPLE QUESTION
ITS ALMOST 9PM, HAVENT U DONE BUSINESS....PASSENGERS ETC ? HOW COME NO CHANGE
PURA DINN KYA KIYA, BHADDA NAHI MILLA KYA





MOST OF THEM COME FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, FOR A JOB- AS A DRIVER

THEY ADD TO THE POPULATION, THEN WHEN THEY GET A JOB, THEY DONT WANT TO DRIVE

THEN THEY CRY AND SAY BHADA NAI MILTA, WHAT THE F**K DO U WANT BUDDY ?



ATTIMES, WE HAVE TO GO LONG DISTANCE TO ATTEND LAGAN NAVJOTES AT CHARNI ROAD, COLABA ETC SO MY DAD FEELS BETTER TO TRAVEL BY AC CAB RATHER THAN HIM DRIVING ETC

AND I THINK HE IS RIGHT, POOR FELLOW IS TIRED FROM WORK ETC SO WE DIAL THE AC CAB A DAY IN ADVANCE AND BOOK IT FOR THE NEXT DAY ETC....AND THAT DAY WHEN WE WAIT FOR THE SO CALLED AC CAB TO ARRIVE. ITS NOT THERE....WE WAIT AND WAIT AND CALL BACK ON THE HELPLINE AND THE LADY SAYS OOOPPSSS SORRY

THIS HAS HAPPENED ATLEAST THRICE WITH US AND TWICE WITH ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE

(AGAIN FROM MAHIM....)



LAST YEAR, I STILL REM THE DATE, 15TH MARCH 2009, I WAS AT THE AIRPORT
(RETURNED FROM AHD - MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING) LIKE IT WAS AROUND 5PM AND IT WAS LIKE REALLY HOT, LIKE KILLING ME TYPES, SO I THOUGHT I PICK THE AC CAB
NOT MANY PPL WERE THERE, SO I WAS LUCKY, I HAD A VERY SMALL BRIEFCASE
WHICH I PLACED IN THE FRONT AND SAT BEHIND
THE CABBIE TURNED ON THE METER (COMPUTERISED METER)
AND I SAID, HA AC KO BHI ON KARO
HE SAID, AC KA CHARGE ALAG HAI MADAM
SO NOW IN MY MIND I UNDERSTOOD HE IS MAKING A FOOL OUTTA ME
SO I SAID TO MYSELF, LET ME SEE TO WHAT EXTENT HE CAN GO
I SAID, OH AC KA CHARGE ALAG LAGTA HAI AC CAB MEIN KYA
HE SAID HA, I DID HMMM
THEN I ROLLED THE GLASSES UP AND SAID, AC ON KARRO
HE AGREED AND AGAIN SORTA REMINED ME SAYING, CHARGE LAGEGA
I SMILED, BLINKED MY EYES, SMILED AGAIN
REACHED HOME IN A FEW MINS....AND PAID HIM THE MONEY WHATEVER SHOWED UP IN THE METER
THEN HE ASKED ME....MADAM AC KA CHARGE
I SAID TO MYSELF, HERE'S THE TIME NOW TO TEAR HIS ARSE APART
I SAID HUM BATANA BHOOL GAYE KI HUM MUMBAI KE HI REHNE WALLE HAI
CHERE SE ITNE BHI ULLU NAHI LAGTE HUM
AND WHILE I WAS TALKING I REMOVED BY PRESS CARD FROM MY PURSE AND SAID
PADHE LIKHE TOH HOGGE AAP...
HAHAHA HIS EXPRESSION WAS PRICELESS, HIS EYE BALLS ALMOST DOUBLED....AND THERE WAS ABSOLUTE SILENCE.......THE CARD SAID IT ALL...

I NEVER MIS-USE THE CARD, BUT YEAH IN SUCH TIMES IT REALLY HELPS



I DONT KNOW HOW MANY OF U HAVE READ THIS POINTLESS NOTE OF MINE
BUT TODAY AM QUITE FRUSTRATED AND SO I THOUGHT I POUR IT ALL OUT HERE ON FB
AAAAH I FEEL GOOD, I FEEL LITE


THE PIC APPEARD IN THE HINDU AND IS PHOTOGRAPHED BY VIVEK BENDRE

AND ONE MORE THING TO ALL THOSE WHO THINK I CANT TRAVEL BY BUS OR TRAIN, I CAN, I DO (AT TIMES) BUT I AM MORE COMFORTABLE THIS WAY

BEING ANTI PIGEON

I HAVE A PHOBIA/OR U CAN SAY AM ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED BY PIGEONS
YES, BIG TIME MEANING BIG TIME
I STARTED GOOGLING TO SEE IF I HAVE A CURE/REMEDY
BUT THERE IS THIS RETARD WHO HAS SO MUCH TO SUGGEST FOR PPL LIKE US- PARTICULARLY ME (I KNOW HE IS TRYING TO HELP BUT SORRY, IT WILL NEVER, I KNOW)
THE FOOL WANTS AN UNTIMELY DEATH FOR ME FOR SURE, IF I FOLLOW HIS INSTRUCTIONS SPECIALLY HIS POINT NUMBER 7

STUFF WRITTEN IN LOWERCASE IS PICKED UP FROM WEBSITE, MY COMMENTS ARE (AS PER MY HABIT) ALWAYS IN UPPERCASE

Fear of birds
Birds, especially pigeons, are a common object of phobic fears. This is a big problem for those who are affected, because birds are highly mobile, and although they seldom if ever enter a building except by accident, they can appear almost anywhere outdoors at any time. People with severe phobias about birds may find themselves confined to their homes, scarcely daring to open a window or a door in case a bird should swoop down. A gradual series of self-exposure steps can then be put together, like this one for someone with severe pigeon phobia:


Step 1: Draw a small rough pigeon shape on a piece of paper.
ME: OK SIRE, NOW ?


Step 2: Work up to the biggest and most accurate version you can manage.
ME: OK SIRE, DONE IT, I KNOW ITS NOT REAL, SO I BREATHE


Step 3: Look at black and white photos of pigeons.
ME: EWWW CHEEEE HELP


Step 4: Look at colour photos.
ME: GOD, THEY ARE REALLY FUGLY (COMBO OF F*****NG UGLY)


Step 5: Look at videos.
ME: GOOSE BUMS ARE SLOWLY HAPPENING FOLLOWED BY MILD PALM SWEAT, AM SLOWLY UNEASY !


Step 6: Look at pigeons through a closed window (if they do not come to your garden, or if you do not have a garden, get someone to drive you to a place where they congregate).
ME: I DONT HAVE THE GUTS FOR THIS AT ALL, BUT IF U INSIST, OK LETS GIVE IT A TRY


Step 7: Then partly open the window and watch them. Open more and more, etc.
ME: OK, CAN U PLS CALL THE DOCTOR, CHECK IF MY HEART IS STILL BEATING
CAN I SEND A GOODBYE NOTE TO MY FRIENDS AND HAVE THE PIGEON POST IT TO EACH OF THEM SAYING, HI I AM THE SAME PIGEON WHO KILLED KAINAZ !


Step 8: Look at them through an open doorway.
ME: GRR, SURELY FROM THE GATES OF HEAVEN, IS IT ?


Step 9: Move further out from the door, then further, etc.
ME: AS$ ^ THE STORY ENDS AT POINT 7 ITSELF
SHOVE THESE POINT FORM FORMAT INSTRUCTIONS UP UR AR .... AAH, U KNOW WHERE !
THANK U AND F OFF, GOODNIGHT